Jenna's Top 214 Quotes

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1 Jenna This fat suit smells like corn chips.
2 Jenna Lee, does my face look bloated to you? When I played that lady rapist on Law and Order, guess what the make up guy put on under my eyes to take the puffiness out. Hemroid cream!
3 Jenna Oh yes, I love cats. I used to have two cats, but then we moved to this place with hardwood floors so we had to put them down... I’m joking.
4 Jenna Oh Okay. Um, well I’m not sure about this costume.
5 Jenna What? Where is Liz?! Liz!
6 Jenna Stop falling in love with gay guys?
7 Jenna Really? You saw that? Wow! Did you know that all the writers in that are also conductors?
8 Jenna Liz, Liz, Did you see me in the Post? Oh my God. It’s so embarrassing. Look how thin I look! And look how many e-mail I’ve gotten. It’s not even 8AM in LA. Oh! Should I call Stern?
9 Jenna Oh my god is this for me? I can't belive you made all this fuss over my birthday. It's so incredibly thoughtful. Let me give something back to you guys. (Singing) I belive the childen are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way
10 Jenna Oh no, Kevin, John's brother. Did you know that before Kevin was a novelist, he worked at a recycling center?
11 Jenna And he just finished writing the sequel. It's called "Urban Fervor"
12 Jenna You didn't like the movie.
13 Jenna We're good.
14 Jenna I'm sorry that we're not all weeping with gratitude at getting to read your words. I am so glad I studied voice at Northwestern so I can do raps about Suri Cruise.
15 Jenna So now I'm a slut? Well let me tell you something. This slut slept with your brother!
16 Jenna It was hard on all of us. yes.
17 Jenna I'll always be his little girl.
18 Jenna It’s a dance-pop-techno-hybrid called Muffin Top. I gave everyone copies at Christmas.
19 Jenna Well apparently it’s a number one hit, in Israel.
20 Jenna Oh, thank you guys for telling me.
21 Jenna Mmm. Yeah... non-dairy creamer. yum! Mmm. (Coughs) Mmm. Oh, yeah.
22 Jenna But Frank and Toofer said to me --
23 Jenna I just would hate for "Muffin Top" to get cut because of a standards problem. I've already posted on my Weblog that I'll be doing it.
24 Jenna Are you messing with me? Because people keep messing with me.
25 Jenna Oh, yes, I’m annoying. Not the man who honked your boobs on the Jumbo Screen.
26 Jenna After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress. Are you kidding me? He was smokin’.
27 Jenna What’s a drive in?
28 Jenna Okay, I had a little botox, and some collagen, and a chemical peel and something with shark DNA. Admit it, I look 10 years younger.
29 Jenna How about now?
30 Jenna I can't believe that this is happening to me. It's just not far.
31 Jenna I got bumped.
32 Jenna You mean like a dog birthday party?
33 Jenna No, Liz, Cinderella is blond. You can be Snow White and party with the little people. Oh, take me.
34 Jenna Just one. It's not the White House. Um, chocatini, please.
35 Jenna Oh I'm sorry, when I'm the queen of Australia, I'll have him executed.
36 Jenna Yeah, that's what I said.
37 Jenna Should I say I'm still a virgin?
38 Jenna And I can get past someone's looks.
39 Jenna I'm an actress, Liz. It would be my greatest role of all time.
40 Jenna Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it.
41 Jenna No, you're a good friend and thank you.
42 Jenna Oh.
43 Jenna Yes, Yay.
44 Jenna Yes. Almost.
45 Jenna Admit it -- You spend just as much time and energy trying to look wierd as I do trying to look beautiful. And you can act like you hate me, but if I tried to kiss you right now, you would totally do it. cause you're a big phony jerk. And I just wanted to tell you that. Okay, Fine. I pooted. It's 3:00 in the morning. Are you happy?
46 Jenna Oh, no. Did I come across as interesting? ‘Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
47 Jenna Jack, I was misquoted.
48 Jenna [Liz faints. Tucker and Chris are speechless] Oh, no comeback?! YA BURNT!
49 Jenna “Small town, worn fatigues Big dreams, and Little Leagues Gigantic star-spangle fireworks light up the night”
50 Jenna If that's true, then I’m taking you out to celebrate. A girls night. We’ll meet some new people.
51 Jenna A line item budget! Ooooh. I LOVE this! It takes people and turns them into amounts of money. Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show. What do we do now?
52 Jenna I'll do it.
53 Jenna Grace, your position has been terminated. Effective immediately.
54 Jenna No, Pete! It's me! As great as I am at this I'm not really necessary. Hmm.. the last time I said that I was in a three way with two of the Backstreet Boys.
55 Jenna -- Cause my play was amazing. There is nothing like the thrill of doing a live show on Broadway.
56 Jenna l mean, l could do it, but...
57 Jenna Drawing the eye up.
58 Jenna Oh my God. What just happened?
59 Jenna Jack, it's an actor me-mergency. I want to get Kenneth back into the Page Program, but whatever this is won't let me.
60 Jenna Live Show, it's the 30 Rock Live Show, it's 30 Rock Live.
61 Jenna Why though do a 30 Rock Live Show, why 30 Rock Live?
62 Jenna Because this is my gift to you our audience!
63 Jenna Finally.
64 Jenna Wait. Did I just hear that correctly? Because last year I wrote a song called "It's Your Birthday, Slut." Does Mrs. Polizzi's track sound anything like this? [sings] You say that it's your birthday, time to skank it up hard. Choke a cop with your panties... No? No one?
65 Jenna I am a professional, Liz. I have never broken during a performance, ever. I was on stage in Pippin with Irene Ryan when she died and I kept going.
66 Jenna Oh I will never break, Liz, but if he tries that stunt again, I will have a "wardrobe malfunction." Yes, I will "slip a nip," Liz. So help me, I will slip a nip!
67 Jenna Not me. [holds up gold coin] I just got my "Ten Year Drunk" chip.
68 Jenna We did it!
69 Jenna Oh I have never broken, Liz, but if he tries to pull that stunt again, I will have a "wardrobe malfunction." Oh, I will "slip a nip," Liz. So help me, I will slip a nip!
70 Jenna Well, one of the camera guys just had a baby. And I'm sick of hearing about it. This will put me back on top.
71 Jenna Take the cake back, Kenneth.
72 Jenna I need a "Happy Blirthday Jennica" cake.
73 Jenna [laughs]
74 Jenna Kelsey, no. I'm proud of you, Kenneth. You've got a good heart. I hope you get into a car accident some say so I can have it.
75 Jenna [flashback 1] How was the sex?
76 Jenna They do? Well then I need to see mine. If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest... that would be great because my arms look fantastic.
77 Jenna Like who? [grabs list] Kim Jong Ill? I never heard of her! I should be on here!
78 Jenna And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make my own obituary and show them how wrong they are.
79 Jenna Killing cats is wrong! Unless it's to make a hat. [hits masked Kenneth over the head with a fire hydrant]
80 Jenna How's it going in there?
81 Jenna Because before this was a clothing store it was a mental hospital. It's winky and fun, Liz.
82 Jenna Liz, it's the dream! Boy on the bottom, girl on the top!
83 Jenna This online slang dictionary says it's short for "amazing." Or it's a club drug made from a tooth whitener. Either way you win.
84 Jenna Yes. I talked about your movie with my therapy last week for twenty hours.
85 Jenna [gasps] HoFPA? That's the Golden Globes! The second most important awards in Hollywood. After the People's Choice Awards [looks at camera] where the fans are in charge.
86 Jenna You're asking me? [they both laugh]
87 Jenna I should get a chafing dish and fill it with my underwear in case some Saudi guys show up. [leaves room]
88 Jenna Och, and they were so offended. They banned me for life. And the same thing will happen to Tracy.
89 Jenna The first one, Trey. You are going win. And when you do, I'll be furious. Like waking up next to Rob Schnider furious. But I don't care. It's like you said in the movie. Sometimes you gotta do the right thing, even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier.
90 Jenna I would hit that.
91 Jenna Ohhhhh! We're celebrating our six month anniversary and I think Paul's going to pop the question.
92 Jenna No. Relationship are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse then something's wrong.
93 Jenna [duet starts during Colleen & Milton's rant] O holy night! The stars are brightly shining, it is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. Long lay the world in sin and darkness pining, 'til He appeared and the soul felt his worth. [holding hands]
94 Jenna Oh, spare me your lame excuses. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when a girl dates a straight man who impersonates her on stage for mostly gay audiences, she has certain expectations. Fidelity, Paul. It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.
95 Jenna Sexual time travel, just like my Cinemax softcore Emmanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land.
96 Jenna Excuse me. My friend has to go strangle her Anxiety Pillow.
97 Jenna Why does your chest feel weird?
98 Jenna Rupt circus. He works for a bankrupt circus.
99 Jenna Oh it's TACKY, Danny. Just like your mother's stupid chain emails.
100 Jenna Oh, no. Really?
101 Jenna It's just, I don't think I can plan a party this week. I'm doing a juice fast and it's making me really grouchy. [Screaming]
102 Jenna Oh, you don't want to mess with that stuff, Liz. Ice has caused a lot of O.D.s in the porn community. Oh, you mean frozen water? Well, I don't know.
103 Jenna Juice fast delirium, Liz.
104 Jenna Yeah, you know who's fun at parties? Paris Hilton. Andy Dick. Tracy. And they're all going to burn in hell.
105 Jenna Hi, Subhas. I have an extra headshot I was going to throw out. Unless you want it for something.
106 Jenna Hey, how did your dodgeball thing go? Did you meet anyone?
107 Jenna You know, there actually hasn't been a white princess since 1991.
108 Jenna There are little blonde girls in this country who have no idea they can be beautiful. That's why I started Jenna's Kids. It's a summer camp that teaches pretty, blonde girls how to be mean.
109 Jenna Oh, God.
110 Jenna We can explain, Pete. We were just trying to Elm Street Kenneth.
111 Jenna [singing] The thing that happened was so sad, we can't believe it got so bad when the stuff we know occurred went down. So find it in your heart, step up and do your part, and help the people the thing that happened happened to. Help the people the thing that happened happened to.
112 Jenna Why do bad things happen to good people? We'll never know. But look at these pictures. Look at these beautiful souls, and pick up the phone. Every dollar you give to help [overdub] "Mel Gibson" will go towards rebuilding [overdub] "his sex jacuzzi." [singing] And help the people the thing that happened happened to.
113 Jenna Oh, your dentist gets drunk with you too?
114 Jenna I'll tell you what's going to happen. It's going to be a disaster. The man is not an actor and has no business being on stage. Why, with a curtain five hours from now, it would take the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen to make his show a success. Fine, I'll do it!
115 Jenna To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock.
116 Jenna Now's not the time to discuss this, but I will need to eat your umbilical cord.
117 Jenna Hang on. Why do you have a cat? And a fanny pack? And your ponytail... it's being held up by a chip clip!
118 Jenna Because I'm upset! Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth. Which is something my body needs anyway! Listen, I'm not going to let you wallow like this. I am taking you out so you can rebound. Sexually.
119 Jenna Now, when I'm rebounding I like to do it with an NBA player because, well it's fun word play and... they're mean.
120 Jenna I don't know, it used to be a factory or something.
121 Jenna I always knew this would end someday. I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.
122 Jenna Doug is my vibrator.
123 Jenna This isn't a relationship. This is some woman who shows up every couple of years to ask for money. To her, I'm just a gorgeous, naturally blonde A.T.M.
124 Jenna Jack, it was perfect. Like a John Mayer song.
125 Jenna Hi, I was told I'd get paid if I came here and danced while the Atlanta Hawks eat dinner?
126 Jenna ♪ Kiss me ♪ Like you just did♪
127 Jenna My mom just made them, so they still might have some pigeon mites. But she said those can't ''affect-affect humans-humans''.
128 Jenna Hey, Liz. Verna's coming back for Mother's Day. We're going to do a duet of ''I'll Make Love To You'' at a children's hospital.
129 Jenna Shut up. It's 14 degrees up there. How is that supposed to make us feel better?
130 Jenna Well, I only wear designer labels. These are Jamie Foxx for Assfarm.
131 Jenna Wait... what? I was making my thing up. You bitch.
132 Jenna Getting stuck with new cast members who don't even hit on us once.
133 Jenna Wonderful news, non-famouses! My publicist just called from rehab - I made the Internet.
134 Jenna How do I find me? [to the computer] COMPUTER. JENNA.
135 Jenna [slaps Liz] What is that?! [points at Abby]
136 Jenna [flashback to Jenna and Liz at a bar surrounded by admiring guys, with Jenna making baby noises] Uhhh goo gaa!
137 Jenna There can't be two of us, Liz. She must be destroyed.
138 Jenna I was cut out of that.
139 Jenna So you're saying it's a choice. Between the dignity of middle age and the illusion of youth.
140 Jenna Hang on, I'm just tweeting that I ran into you. This is so tandem.
141 Jenna Oh, not me! I can hear it! Ugh, my ears are, like, dying! Ah, Facebook!
142 Jenna ♪ Forever young I want to be forever young ♪
143 Jenna Thank you, Liz. It's funny. All my ''a-ha'' moments end with a moustache pressed against me.
144 Jenna Don't cry for me, Tartine. I've had a full life. Oh, the things I've seen. The first Clinton administration. The Nagano Olympics. Microsoft Windows '95. But I'm 41 now. Time to die.
145 Jenna This is actually a werewolf picture that, for tax reasons, is shooting in Iceland. I play a moon scientist who's trying to get to the bottom of things and who- spoiler alert- may herself be a werewolf. we start shooting tonight.
146 Jenna Punish you? Please, Liz, I've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in Iceland where I'm filling in last minute for Victoria Beckham.
147 Jenna And you probably don't know this because you've never played a moonologist, but werewolves only come out at night.
148 Jenna Oh, great day, everyone. You guys are the real stars.
149 Jenna Yes, Nightstalkers is taking a brief permanent hiatus.
150 Jenna Oh, Liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.
151 Jenna [subtitle: Jenna, Former Child Star] Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera? And maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Of course now. I mean, is wine throwing something that even gets on you a reality show? [cut to Portia throwing wine in D'Fwan's face] [cut to Angie, D'Fwan, and Randi throwing wine in each other's faces] [cut to Randi in a limo throwing wine in a German Shepard's face]
152 Jenna Jennas-side. Jennas-side. I'm not hearing it, Liz.
153 Jenna [tips cap at the camera]
154 Jenna C'mon Portia, I don't want to fight.
155 Jenna Drunk actor brainstorm: I'm going to make Pete host an intervention for me. It'll be all about Jenna. Drama, crying, the beauty of redemption. Perhaps a song. This is the best day of my life.
156 Jenna Does chewing on a sponge trick your brain's hunger center? Yes, yes! A million times, yes!
157 Jenna James and I just had lunch at the Spotted Pig. The paparazzi were everywhere. The gossip blogs are calling us ''James''. It's a combination of ''Jenna'' and ''James''.
158 Jenna Oh, Liz, I am happy. All this attention, getting my picture taken, having ice-cold diarrhea from drinking too much Jamba Juice. It's everything I ever wanted.
159 Jenna Yes, because I'm so happy for you. It's definitely not a rage stroke.
160 Jenna My niece drew a picture of me, and I look so fat!
161 Jenna Thank you. But you don't know what it looks like. Because of the door!
162 Jenna Okay, don't try to move the body yourself.
163 Jenna Oh, no, why did you do that? Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on ''ca-mer-rah''. You're vulnerable. You're exposed. You're exposed. It doesn't take a lot to send you over the edge.
164 Jenna Not anymore. You've created two Lizzes. Regular Liz and Performer Liz. You've got to lie to her. Coddle her. Protect her from the real world.
165 Jenna Jack, I just got your business ''sext''. What have you done?
166 Jenna Of course not. I'm not wearing my outfit.
167 Jenna Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking. As you may have heard, the Jenna Baby dolls I was selling on QVC have been recalled. Apparently they were just being used to smuggle cocaine into the country from Mexico. And that's caused some problems.
168 Jenna Me, my ass double, and a drill that once appeared on Home Improvement are currently starring in a feature film called Take My Hand.
169 Jenna I met that soccer ball once at a no-hands-allowed sex party.
170 Jenna Oh please! Don't kill me. I still haven't tried the famous seafood pizza at Sully's in Newhaven.
171 Jenna He is an idiot.
172 Jenna I love you too.
173 Jenna Yee-haw!
174 Jenna ♪ It's tennis night in America. Grab some buds and some brews, it's going to be a fight. ♪
175 Jenna If it is a blonde woman, I will kill myself!
176 Jenna ♪ It's tennis night in America, Got some buds and some brews, it's going to be a fight. So put down your meth and slip on your whites, 'Cause here in real America, it's tennis night. It's tennis night when the sun goes down. Take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way. well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round, the way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Serve it up and smash it the American way. Slawomir Mleczko versus Kryzsztof Mlynarkiewicz. ...Are ready to play. In the Barnett Cup Semifinal. In the what? Got my lawn chair in my trunk, not an ocean in sight. So kiss my ass, New York, 'cause it's tennis night. Hee-haw! It's tennis night when the sun goes down, take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way, well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round. The way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Just give a country gal some tennis. Don't give a damn it's not from Yankee Stadium. Better tie up your dogs, better go call the cops. Game, set, match. Lord it never stops! Hee-Haw! ♪
177 Jenna Hey, I read your rewrite. Start over, you hack!
178 Jenna There my buddies are. Oh, wow, they painted the ceiling in here.
179 Jenna No, let's do that! Yes, that gesture. I like people who do that.
180 Jenna Oh, my God. They're using me to get invited to gay Halloween so they can meet hot girls.
181 Jenna I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member and no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
182 Jenna I'm going to walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you've already met. ''Nice to meet you.''
183 Jenna Oh I will. Do you remember when I performed at half time at the Wool Bowl? It was on the ESPN 34.
184 Jenna No! Paul is a gender dysmorphic bi-genitalian pan-sexuale.
185 Jenna Oh, eat it.
186 Jenna Conrad Bain once slapped me in a men's room.
187 Jenna It works, Liz. Look at me. Ever since I started secreting I've become a TV star, I've found my soul mate, you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.
188 Jenna Oh I've taken action. It dries your mouth out but the sex is amazing.
189 Jenna Last year I used The Secret to learn Spanish and now I'm fluent. [enunciating carefully] "Rosa. I know you stole my necklace. I'll have your son deported. Oh wait, I found my necklace."
190 Jenna It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?
191 Jenna Do you like it? If you say no I'll drown myself.
192 Jenna Danny, around here we're known as the Problem Solvers.
193 Jenna Don't feel guilty for a second. This is Manhattan real estate. There are no rules. Like check in at an Italian sex party. I mean, do you know how long I've been waiting for the lady next door to finally join her husband in hell?
194 Jenna I know it's my turn to do the dishes. But I'm in character. And if you make me do the dishes, I will kill myself!
195 Jenna But, Kenneth, I need all of these. This one is for my cell phone. This one is for my laptop. This one is for my erotic massager. And this one is for something personal.
196 Jenna Well, of course not. Drama is like gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.
197 Jenna Hey, how did everything go with Dotcom?
198 Jenna Why do you do this to yourself? lf you don't like him, end it. Who cares if he thinks you're a racist?
199 Jenna Wow. How ''Sex and the City'' are we right now? l'm Samantha. You're Charlotte. And you're the lady at home who watches it.
200 Jenna Yeah, we're all models west of the Allegheny.
201 Jenna Pretty good.
202 Jenna Oh I'm fine Jenna, I'm just a little light-headed. I'm on a crash diet to get back to my old weight by Friday.
203 Jenna Liz, you don’t understand, people look at me differently now--Jack, the writers, the manager at Forever 21.
204 Jenna Jason, have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Gottfried's neck? Because I have, and his screams were the worst thing I'd ever heard ... until tonight. Congratulations, you're a disgrace.
205 Jenna Also, Jason, if you think you're passing for straight, you're embarrassing yourself.
206 Jenna Amazing news, Liz. I made the 'People' magazine crossword! One Across, five letters, Jenna Maroney's first name.
207 Jenna Because of 'America's Kidz Got Singing' I am blowing up. When you google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first, not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.
208 Jenna I couldn't find a Lincoln hat, so I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead.
209 Jenna Leeches. They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.
210 Jenna Liz, if I become famous, will you tell me if I start acting weird?
211 Jenna Demi Moore does it, plus it makes PETA furious. And if PETA doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier or a teacher.
212 Jenna Oh, I owe him a call. I bet he's going to tell me I can't write off all my shoplifting.
213 Jenna Is this my costume for the commercial parody? It's in my contract that I only play blondes, non-Irish redheads, or bald sex robots.
214 Jenna Oh, I'm sorry, I don't see people that look like that.