Jenna's Top 210 Quotes

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1 Jenna It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?
2 Jenna Okay, don't try to move the body yourself.
3 Jenna Oh I'm sorry, when I'm the queen of Australia, I'll have him executed.
4 Jenna Not anymore. You've created two Lizzes. Regular Liz and Performer Liz. You've got to lie to her. Coddle her. Protect her from the real world.
5 Jenna Oh, no, why did you do that? Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on ''ca-mer-rah''. You're vulnerable. You're exposed. You're exposed. It doesn't take a lot to send you over the edge.
6 Jenna Thank you. But you don't know what it looks like. Because of the door!
7 Jenna Wonderful news, non-famouses! My publicist just called from rehab - I made the Internet.
8 Jenna Because I'm upset! Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth. Which is something my body needs anyway! Listen, I'm not going to let you wallow like this. I am taking you out so you can rebound. Sexually.
9 Jenna Yeah, that's what I said.
10 Jenna Demi Moore does it, plus it makes PETA furious. And if PETA doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier or a teacher.
11 Jenna Leeches. They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.
12 Jenna Because of 'America's Kidz Got Singing' I am blowing up. When you google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first, not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.
13 Jenna Liz, you don’t understand, people look at me differently now--Jack, the writers, the manager at Forever 21.
14 Jenna Oh I'm fine Jenna, I'm just a little light-headed. I'm on a crash diet to get back to my old weight by Friday.
15 Jenna Pretty good.
16 Jenna Wow. How ''Sex and the City'' are we right now? l'm Samantha. You're Charlotte. And you're the lady at home who watches it.
17 Jenna Hey, how did everything go with Dotcom?
18 Jenna I know it's my turn to do the dishes. But I'm in character. And if you make me do the dishes, I will kill myself!
19 Jenna Danny, around here we're known as the Problem Solvers.
20 Jenna Last year I used The Secret to learn Spanish and now I'm fluent. [enunciating carefully] "Rosa. I know you stole my necklace. I'll have your son deported. Oh wait, I found my necklace."
21 Jenna It works, Liz. Look at me. Ever since I started secreting I've become a TV star, I've found my soul mate, you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.
22 Jenna I'm going to walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you've already met. ''Nice to meet you.''
23 Jenna I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member and no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
24 Jenna Oh, my God. They're using me to get invited to gay Halloween so they can meet hot girls.
25 Jenna No, let's do that! Yes, that gesture. I like people who do that.
26 Jenna ♪ It's tennis night in America, Got some buds and some brews, it's going to be a fight. So put down your meth and slip on your whites, 'Cause here in real America, it's tennis night. It's tennis night when the sun goes down. Take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way. well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round, the way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Serve it up and smash it the American way. Slawomir Mleczko versus Kryzsztof Mlynarkiewicz. ...Are ready to play. In the Barnett Cup Semifinal. In the what? Got my lawn chair in my trunk, not an ocean in sight. So kiss my ass, New York, 'cause it's tennis night. Hee-haw! It's tennis night when the sun goes down, take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way, well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round. The way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Just give a country gal some tennis. Don't give a damn it's not from Yankee Stadium. Better tie up your dogs, better go call the cops. Game, set, match. Lord it never stops! Hee-Haw! ♪
27 Jenna Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking. As you may have heard, the Jenna Baby dolls I was selling on QVC have been recalled. Apparently they were just being used to smuggle cocaine into the country from Mexico. And that's caused some problems.
28 Jenna Of course not. I'm not wearing my outfit.
29 Jenna [subtitle: Jenna, Former Child Star] Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera? And maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course now. I mean, is wine throwing something that even gets on you a reality show? [cut to Portia throwing wine in D'Fwan's face] [cut to Angie, D'Fwan, and Randi throwing wine in each other's faces] [cut to Randi in a limo throwing wine in a German Shepard's face]
30 Jenna I was cut out of that.
31 Jenna [slaps Liz] What is that?! [points at Abby]
32 Jenna Shut up. It's 14 degrees up there. How is that supposed to make us feel better?
33 Jenna This isn't a relationship. This is some woman who shows up every couple of years to ask for money. To her, I'm just a gorgeous, naturally blonde A.T.M.
34 Jenna I always knew this would end someday. I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.
35 Jenna To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock.
36 Jenna [singing] The thing that happened was so sad, we can't believe it got so bad when the stuff we know occurred went down. So find it in your heart, step up and do your part, and help the people the thing that happened happened to. Help the people the thing that happened happened to.
37 Jenna There are little blonde girls in this country who have no idea they can be beautiful. That's why I started Jenna's Kids. It's a summer camp that teaches pretty, blonde girls how to be mean.
38 Jenna Oh, spare me your lame excuses. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when a girl dates a straight man who impersonates her on stage for mostly gay audiences, she has certain expectations. Fidelity, Paul. It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.
39 Jenna [duet starts during Colleen & Milton's rant] O holy night! The stars are brightly shining, it is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. Long lay the world in sin and darkness pining, 'til He appeared and the soul felt his worth. [holding hands]
40 Jenna No. Relationship are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse then something's wrong.
41 Jenna The first one, Trey. You are going win. And when you do, I'll be furious. Like waking up next to Rob Schnider furious. But I don't care. It's like you said in the movie. Sometimes you gotta do the right thing, even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier.
42 Jenna And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make my own obituary and show them how wrong they are.
43 Jenna Kelsey, no. I'm proud of you, Kenneth. You've got a good heart. I hope you get into a car accident some say so I can have it.
44 Jenna Oh I have never broken, Liz, but if he tries to pull that stunt again, I will have a "wardrobe malfunction." Oh, I will "slip a nip," Liz. So help me, I will slip a nip!
45 Jenna Not me. [holds up gold coin] I just got my "Ten Year Drunk" chip.
46 Jenna Wait. Did I just hear that correctly? Because last year I wrote a song called "It's Your Birthday, Slut." Does Mrs. Polizzi's track sound anything like this? [sings] You say that it's your birthday, time to skank it up hard. Choke a cop with your panties... No? No one?
47 Jenna Finally.
48 Jenna Because this is my gift to you our audience!
49 Jenna Why though do a 30 Rock Live Show, why 30 Rock Live?
50 Jenna Live Show, it's the 30 Rock Live Show, it's 30 Rock Live.
51 Jenna Drawing the eye up.
52 Jenna “Small town, worn fatigues Big dreams, and Little Leagues Gigantic star-spangle fireworks light up the night”
53 Jenna [Liz faints. Tucker and Chris are speechless] Oh, no comeback?! YA BURNT!
54 Jenna Admit it -- You spend just as much time and energy trying to look wierd as I do trying to look beautiful. And you can act like you hate me, but if I tried to kiss you right now, you would totally do it. cause you're a big phony jerk. And I just wanted to tell you that. Okay, Fine. I pooted. It's 3:00 in the morning. Are you happy?
55 Jenna Yes. Almost.
56 Jenna Yes, Yay.
57 Jenna Oh.
58 Jenna No, you're a good friend and thank you.
59 Jenna You mean like a dog birthday party?
60 Jenna After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress. Are you kidding me? He was smokin’.
61 Jenna It’s a dance-pop-techno-hybrid called Muffin Top. I gave everyone copies at Christmas.
62 Jenna It was hard on all of us. yes.
63 Jenna Oh yes, I love cats. I used to have two cats, but then we moved to this place with hardwood floors so we had to put them down... I’m joking.
64 Jenna There can't be two of us, Liz. She must be destroyed.
65 Jenna Jason, have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Gottfried's neck? Because I have, and his screams were the worst thing I'd ever heard ... until tonight. Congratulations, you're a disgrace.
66 Jenna How do I find me? [to the computer] COMPUTER. JENNA.
67 Jenna We can explain, Pete. We were just trying to Elm Street Kenneth.
68 Jenna Do you like it? If you say no I'll drown myself.
69 Jenna If it is a blonde woman, I will kill myself!
70 Jenna Doug is my vibrator.
71 Jenna Hi, Subhas. I have an extra headshot I was going to throw out. Unless you want it for something.
72 Jenna Oh, you don't want to mess with that stuff, Liz. Ice has caused a lot of O.D.s in the porn community. Oh, you mean frozen water? Well, I don't know.
73 Jenna Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it.
74 Jenna Liz, Liz, Did you see me in the Post? Oh my God. It’s so embarrassing. Look how thin I look! And look how many e-mail I’ve gotten. It’s not even 8AM in LA. Oh! Should I call Stern?
75 Jenna Jennas-side. Jennas-side. I'm not hearing it, Liz.
76 Jenna Just one. It's not the White House. Um, chocatini, please.
77 Jenna Well, of course not. Drama is like gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.
78 Jenna Jack, I just got your business ''sext''. What have you done?
79 Jenna So now I'm a slut? Well let me tell you something. This slut slept with your brother!
80 Jenna You know, there actually hasn't been a white princess since 1991.
81 Jenna Don't cry for me, Tartine. I've had a full life. Oh, the things I've seen. The first Clinton administration. The Nagano Olympics. Microsoft Windows '95. But I'm 41 now. Time to die.
82 Jenna Well, I only wear designer labels. These are Jamie Foxx for Assfarm.
83 Jenna Hang on. Why do you have a cat? And a fanny pack? And your ponytail... it's being held up by a chip clip!
84 Jenna Liz, it's the dream! Boy on the bottom, girl on the top!
85 Jenna Stop falling in love with gay guys?
86 Jenna Yeah, we're all models west of the Allegheny.
87 Jenna Oh I've taken action. It dries your mouth out but the sex is amazing.
88 Jenna Conrad Bain once slapped me in a men's room.
89 Jenna No! Paul is a gender dysmorphic bi-genitalian pan-sexuale.
90 Jenna ♪ It's tennis night in America. Grab some buds and some brews, it's going to be a fight. ♪
91 Jenna Yes, because I'm so happy for you. It's definitely not a rage stroke.
92 Jenna Does chewing on a sponge trick your brain's hunger center? Yes, yes! A million times, yes!
93 Jenna ♪ Forever young I want to be forever young ♪
94 Jenna [flashback to Jenna and Liz at a bar surrounded by admiring guys, with Jenna making baby noises] Uhhh goo gaa!
95 Jenna Jack, it was perfect. Like a John Mayer song.
96 Jenna Oh, God.
97 Jenna Rupt circus. He works for a bankrupt circus.
98 Jenna This online slang dictionary says it's short for "amazing." Or it's a club drug made from a tooth whitener. Either way you win.
99 Jenna This fat suit smells like corn chips.
100 Jenna Oh, I owe him a call. I bet he's going to tell me I can't write off all my shoplifting.
101 Jenna Liz, if I become famous, will you tell me if I start acting weird?
102 Jenna Amazing news, Liz. I made the 'People' magazine crossword! One Across, five letters, Jenna Maroney's first name.
103 Jenna But, Kenneth, I need all of these. This one is for my cell phone. This one is for my laptop. This one is for my erotic massager. And this one is for something personal.
104 Jenna Don't feel guilty for a second. This is Manhattan real estate. There are no rules. Like check in at an Italian sex party. I mean, do you know how long I've been waiting for the lady next door to finally join her husband in hell?
105 Jenna This is actually a werewolf picture that, for tax reasons, is shooting in Iceland. I play a moon scientist who's trying to get to the bottom of things and who- spoiler alert- may herself be a werewolf. we start shooting tonight.
106 Jenna Oh, not me! I can hear it! Ugh, my ears are, like, dying! Ah, Facebook!
107 Jenna Getting stuck with new cast members who don't even hit on us once.
108 Jenna Hey, Liz. Verna's coming back for Mother's Day. We're going to do a duet of ''I'll Make Love To You'' at a children's hospital.
109 Jenna My mom just made them, so they still might have some pigeon mites. But she said those can't ''affect-affect humans-humans''.
110 Jenna Hi, I was told I'd get paid if I came here and danced while the Atlanta Hawks eat dinner?
111 Jenna Now's not the time to discuss this, but I will need to eat your umbilical cord.
112 Jenna Oh, your dentist gets drunk with you too?
113 Jenna Yeah, you know who's fun at parties? Paris Hilton. Andy Dick. Tracy. And they're all going to burn in hell.
114 Jenna It's just, I don't think I can plan a party this week. I'm doing a juice fast and it's making me really grouchy. [Screaming]
115 Jenna Sexual time travel, just like my Cinemax softcore Emmanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land.
116 Jenna You're asking me? [they both laugh]
117 Jenna [gasps] HoFPA? That's the Golden Globes! The second most important awards in Hollywood. After the People's Choice Awards [looks at camera] where the fans are in charge.
118 Jenna Because before this was a clothing store it was a mental hospital. It's winky and fun, Liz.
119 Jenna I need a "Happy Blirthday Jennica" cake.
120 Jenna No, Pete! It's me! As great as I am at this I'm not really necessary. Hmm.. the last time I said that I was in a three way with two of the Backstreet Boys.
121 Jenna Oh, no. Did I come across as interesting? ‘Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
122 Jenna Okay, I had a little botox, and some collagen, and a chemical peel and something with shark DNA. Admit it, I look 10 years younger.
123 Jenna Mmm. Yeah... non-dairy creamer. yum! Mmm. (Coughs) Mmm. Oh, yeah.
124 Jenna I'm sorry that we're not all weeping with gratitude at getting to read your words. I am so glad I studied voice at Northwestern so I can do raps about Suri Cruise.
125 Jenna And you probably don't know this because you've never played a moonologist, but werewolves only come out at night.
126 Jenna Should I say I'm still a virgin?
127 Jenna Why do you do this to yourself? lf you don't like him, end it. Who cares if he thinks you're a racist?
128 Jenna There my buddies are. Oh, wow, they painted the ceiling in here.
129 Jenna Hey, I read your rewrite. Start over, you hack!
130 Jenna Yee-haw!
131 Jenna Oh, Liz, I am happy. All this attention, getting my picture taken, having ice-cold diarrhea from drinking too much Jamba Juice. It's everything I ever wanted.
132 Jenna Oh it's TACKY, Danny. Just like your mother's stupid chain emails.
133 Jenna Excuse me. My friend has to go strangle her Anxiety Pillow.
134 Jenna And I can get past someone's looks.
135 Jenna I'll always be his little girl.
136 Jenna Thank you, Liz. It's funny. All my ''a-ha'' moments end with a moustache pressed against me.
137 Jenna Oh, eat it.
138 Jenna I met that soccer ball once at a no-hands-allowed sex party.
139 Jenna My niece drew a picture of me, and I look so fat!
140 Jenna James and I just had lunch at the Spotted Pig. The paparazzi were everywhere. The gossip blogs are calling us ''James''. It's a combination of ''Jenna'' and ''James''.
141 Jenna [tips Jennas-Side.com cap at the camera]
142 Jenna Oh, Liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.
143 Jenna Hang on, I'm just tweeting that I ran into you. This is so tandem.
144 Jenna [flashback 1] How was the sex?
145 Jenna I'm an actress, Liz. It would be my greatest role of all time.
146 Jenna No, Liz, Cinderella is blond. You can be Snow White and party with the little people. Oh, take me.
147 Jenna I couldn't find a Lincoln hat, so I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead.
148 Jenna Oh please! Don't kill me. I still haven't tried the famous seafood pizza at Sully's in Newhaven.
149 Jenna Drunk actor brainstorm: I'm going to make Pete host an intervention for me. It'll be all about Jenna. Drama, crying, the beauty of redemption. Perhaps a song. This is the best day of my life.
150 Jenna Oh, great day, everyone. You guys are the real stars.
151 Jenna Punish you? Please, Liz, I've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in Iceland where I'm filling in last minute for Victoria Beckham.
152 Jenna So you're saying it's a choice. Between the dignity of middle age and the illusion of youth.
153 Jenna I don't know, it used to be a factory or something.
154 Jenna Now, when I'm rebounding I like to do it with an NBA player because, well it's fun word play and... they're mean.
155 Jenna Why do bad things happen to good people? We'll never know. But look at these pictures. Look at these beautiful souls, and pick up the phone. Every dollar you give to help [overdub] "Mel Gibson" will go towards rebuilding [overdub] "his sex jacuzzi." [singing] And help the people the thing that happened happened to.
156 Jenna Why does your chest feel weird?
157 Jenna Like who? [grabs list] Kim Jong Ill? I never heard of her! I should be on here!
158 Jenna How about now?
159 Jenna Well apparently it’s a number one hit, in Israel.
160 Jenna Me, my ass double, and a drill that once appeared on Home Improvement are currently starring in a feature film called Take My Hand.
161 Jenna A line item budget! Ooooh. I LOVE this! It takes people and turns them into amounts of money. Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show. What do we do now?
162 Jenna Oh, yes, I’m annoying. Not the man who honked your boobs on the Jumbo Screen.
163 Jenna What? Where is Liz?! Liz!
164 Jenna Oh I will. Do you remember when I performed at half time at the Wool Bowl? It was on the ESPN 34.
165 Jenna Yes, Nightstalkers is taking a brief permanent hiatus.
166 Jenna Wait... what? I was making my thing up. You bitch.
167 Jenna I'll tell you what's going to happen. It's going to be a disaster. The man is not an actor and has no business being on stage. Why, with a curtain five hours from now, it would take the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen to make his show a success. Fine, I'll do it!
168 Jenna Juice fast delirium, Liz.
169 Jenna Ohhhhh! We're celebrating our six month anniversary and I think Paul's going to pop the question.
170 Jenna I would hit that.
171 Jenna Yes. I talked about your movie with my therapy last week for twenty hours.
172 Jenna Oh my God. What just happened?
173 Jenna l mean, l could do it, but...
174 Jenna If that's true, then I’m taking you out to celebrate. A girls night. We’ll meet some new people.
175 Jenna Are you messing with me? Because people keep messing with me.
176 Jenna I just would hate for "Muffin Top" to get cut because of a standards problem. I've already posted on my Weblog that I'll be doing it.
177 Jenna You didn't like the movie.
178 Jenna And he just finished writing the sequel. It's called "Urban Fervor"
179 Jenna Really? You saw that? Wow! Did you know that all the writers in that are also conductors?
180 Jenna Oh Okay. Um, well I’m not sure about this costume.
181 Jenna Oh, I'm sorry, I don't see people that look like that.
182 Jenna I love you too.
183 Jenna He is an idiot.
184 Jenna C'mon Portia, I don't want to fight.
185 Jenna Hey, how did your dodgeball thing go? Did you meet anyone?
186 Jenna Oh, no. Really?
187 Jenna Och, and they were so offended. They banned me for life. And the same thing will happen to Tracy.
188 Jenna I should get a chafing dish and fill it with my underwear in case some Saudi guys show up. [leaves room]
189 Jenna How's it going in there?
190 Jenna Killing cats is wrong! Unless it's to make a hat. [hits masked Kenneth over the head with a fire hydrant]
191 Jenna They do? Well then I need to see mine. If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest... that would be great because my arms look fantastic.
192 Jenna [laughs]
193 Jenna Take the cake back, Kenneth.
194 Jenna Well, one of the camera guys just had a baby. And I'm sick of hearing about it. This will put me back on top.
195 Jenna We did it!
196 Jenna Oh I will never break, Liz, but if he tries that stunt again, I will have a "wardrobe malfunction." Yes, I will "slip a nip," Liz. So help me, I will slip a nip!
197 Jenna I am a professional, Liz. I have never broken during a performance, ever. I was on stage in Pippin with Irene Ryan when she died and I kept going.
198 Jenna -- Cause my play was amazing. There is nothing like the thrill of doing a live show on Broadway.
199 Jenna Grace, your position has been terminated. Effective immediately.
200 Jenna I'll do it.
201 Jenna Jack, I was misquoted.
202 Jenna I got bumped.
203 Jenna I can't believe that this is happening to me. It's just not far.
204 Jenna What’s a drive in?
205 Jenna But Frank and Toofer said to me --
206 Jenna Oh, thank you guys for telling me.
207 Jenna We're good.
208 Jenna Oh no, Kevin, John's brother. Did you know that before Kevin was a novelist, he worked at a recycling center?
209 Jenna Oh my god is this for me? I can't belive you made all this fuss over my birthday. It's so incredibly thoughtful. Let me give something back to you guys. (Singing) I belive the childen are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way
210 Jenna Lee, does my face look bloated to you? When I played that lady rapist on Law and Order, guess what the make up guy put on under my eyes to take the puffiness out. Hemroid cream!